[Mental Health Month] Therapy Provided the Emotional Safety That Did Not Exist In My Marriage

Therapy gave me the emotional safe place that I never had in my marriage.

I really didn’t realize it’s importance until my son was diagnosed with ASD and I wait almost a week to completely breakdown. I did it in the arms of my therapist.

I couldn’t do it a home. My emotions weren’t safe.

I wrote this a few months after KinderBae (my now seven years old) was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder…

But what I didn’t say was…

The day he was diagnosed the wind was knocked out of me.

Before I could process or grieve there was already a Facebook post made by my Ex-Husband. There were many occasions that he would circumvent on social media instead of talking to me, directly.

In this particular post, he was relieved with the outcome.

His Facebook post blindsided me.

I was also bombarded with questions that I was not prepared for or even had the answers to.

He said he knew.

“Why wouldn’t you come support me then?” I asked.

If you knew why did you make me go to the evaluation alone, I asked but I don’t even remember his response.This also wasn’t the first medical evaluation that I’d gone to alone for our oldest son’s developmental delays.

I was in shock and ALONE in my grief.

For an entire week, I bottled up all my emotions until I could get to my therapist’s office.

I didn’t feel safe to express them at home.

Before she could close the door behind me, I bawled…

I cried, “I didn’t know, I didn’t know” “Why didn’t I know?”

She held me like a mother holds her child and let me weep in her arms.

She tried to prepare me for weeks. She said, “He (referring to my husband at the time) needs to go with you.”

“Don’t go by yourself.”

I asked, “Will you go with me.”

“Please go with me.” I begged

I even resorted to “My therapist says you need to go with me.”

“No, I’ll stay home with ToddlerBae (our youngest son).”

“But you don’t have to do that. We can drop him off at daycare.”

He said something about money because he wasn’t working.

He wouldn’t budge so once again I went to Marcus Autism Center for KinderBae’s evaluation, alone.

After it was over he called me…

But this was one of the many moments that I knew my marriage was over.